There are days, such as today, that I feel rather like an experiment.
I no longer have to force myself out of my cocoon. I no longer have to force myself to become socially interactive to break out of the silence that used to try to sneak unsuccessfully into my soul.
I can now, at my own welcome, let it in. I can go for hours without speaking a word, seeing a person, or doing anything but listening to the quiet. I can now avoid answering the phone, for I know that the person I ignore won’t be able to come to my door. I can fake smile, and fake laugh, and not fear being found out. It is freeing, beyond words.
I feel that I have life breaks. The evening comes, or weekends, or school holidays, and the soul silence takes the back seat. I enjoy the noises of my children, like a breath of sunshine. I listen intently to their every tale, so that I may take them to heart, to replay when they are no longer here.
I can lose myself on a daily basis, to find myself just in time for the door to open. I welcome the silence, I welcome the alone. It isn’t even hard to adjust to, it is just what it is.
I wonder if it is depression, or “dampened spirits” or some such other glossy term. I think, maybe I need medication, maybe <insert cure> would work. I go for walks, I do my necessaries, I bask in the sun, and take the glow in. No. I am not depressed, I am not sad, I am not lonely. I am just alone. Quiet and content in my envelope of silence.
The time is ticking down, the days clicking away, and soon, I won’t have to answer the phone, won’t have to type responses, unless I really want to. I know that today is a dark one, that tomorrow may be lighter. Tomorrow may be a day that the silence takes a break. Or the day after. No matter which day it takes, the return is inevitable, and welcome.
Savoring the silence.